For an ex-addict, kicking the habit is just the start
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FOR former meth addict and peddler Loke, reality has hit him that life can no longer return to “normal”.
While he has been somewhat healed from the physical toll that the drugs wracked on his body, Loke said it remained a daily battle to deal with the emotional and mental fallout from his years as an addict.
“Quitting drugs is a never-ending process. My body may have gotten better, but the emotional strain is still here. There is always the possibility of relapse, that I will take drugs again.
Loke’s life reached rock bottom several years ago when, desperate to end his addiction, he attempted suicide, but couldn’t go ahead with it.
Instead, he locked himself in a room and quit cold turkey, endured withdrawal symptoms such as extreme anxiety and panic, exhaustion and aches all over.
But the pain and suffering were nothing compared to the realisation that his addiction had caused him to lose the trust of his closest friends and family, including his own daughter.
Loke, who is trying his hand at agriculture with several partners, agreed to be interviewed by The Malaysian Insight on condition that his identity is not revealed.
A life of crime
About 10 years ago, Loke joined a gang in the hopes of making a fortune, and did everything asked of him from selling pirated CDs to drugs.
“I earned quite a bit from selling pirated CDs, so I started taking drugs. I started with K (ketamine) and Fivers (nimetazepam). And then I discovered meth; it was the best and I loved it.
“After getting hooked, I needed more money to buy meth, so I worked with my friends to deal in meth. Of course, the amount that we dealt in wasn’t much, but meth was fetching a high price at that time, about RM100 for 0.2g. It was very profitable,” he said.
Loke said that meth was manufactured locally by chemists from the Middle East hired by the syndicates.
“These chemists will cook a batch and then leave, so the meth market will see some periodic shortages. This causes the prices to spike and the quality of the drug to be inconsistent. The market will only stabilise when the next group of chemists come to Malaysia,” he said.
Loke said while he was never caught during his years as a peddler, he came close once.
“I was driving and I was stopped and searched by the police, and they found some meth on me, so I was sent to the lockup. But the gang had ‘connections’. I was released without charge and the meth that was found on me also ‘disappeared’,” he said.
The experience only led him to dive deeper into the drugs trade, while his addiction had also gotten worse.
“I started to notice that I couldn’t concentrate, and I was very paranoid, afraid that there are people out to get me. I couldn’t trust anyone!” Loke said.
With his mind decaying and his body crumbling, Loke was unable to work and was shambling through life like a walking corpse.
Deeply depressed, Loke decided one day he wanted to commit suicide.
“I was standing on the rooftop of a 10-storey high building and I was getting ready to jump. But my desire to survive came back to me like a bolt of lightning.
“No, I didn’t want to die. I want to be saved. So from that day on I stopped smoking meth. I locked myself in a room for five days to quit cold turkey,” he said.
Five days may not seem like much for most people, but Loke said it was the longest and most arduous period of his life and he wonders even until today how he managed to get through the period.
“Your body will feel weak after quitting, so I kept eating to replenish my strength. You can say I got addicted to food instead of drugs, and I gained weight rapidly,” he said.
After quitting drugs, Loke set his mind on leaving the gang.
“Generally speaking, once you joined a gang, there is no turning back. You either die or get jailed. I was lucky that my ‘boss’ understood that I would rather die than to remain in the gang. So he let me go.
“After leaving, I was constantly looking over my shoulder and worrying that those who had a grudge or my former compatriots will come looking for me and cause trouble,” he said.
Lonely but free
Loke said while he has no regrets totally cutting off his former friends at the gang, he admits to feeling lonely as his past had also hurt his past friendships and ties with his family.
“I’ve been lonely these days, I’m living a new life now, but when I think about my family, the guilt overwhelms me. I would rather stare at the wall than face them…” he said.
Loke’s parents died when he was young and he has no siblings, but he still has relatives, a broken marriage and his only daughter with whom he has a love-hate relationship.
“Although I’ve quit drugs and I’m working hard for myself, my relatives are still suspicious of me and think I’m just putting on a show… But what can I do? I could only keep my distance,” he said.
His biggest regret was losing his 11-year-old daughter.
“I had an affair, and my wife divorced me early on. So from an early age, my daughter had a broken family, and to her I was a womaniser and an irresponsible father.”
Despite his heartache at the broken relationships in his life, Loke said he was thankful for his second chance and his newfound appreciation of life.
“I share both my past and my new life with others who are going down the path of drugs.
“I want them to know that there is no future in drugs, but they can seek redemption by turning back.” – March 31, 2019.